(and Associated Fridays)

Unfortunately, we will not be able to bring you our 13 Paranoid Facts as usual...

'Cos this time we've got 69 of 'em!

Your Executive Chefs were so excited to prepare an extra-special Menu 13 that we've got everything bass-awkwards in the kitchen--and cooked up 69 facts about the number 13!

1. Controversial Confederate general and early Grand Wizard of the KKK, Nathan Bedford Forrest was (quite possibly) birthed (directly from the asshole) on Friday, July 13, 1821.
2. It's only fitting that Sir Alfred Hitchcock's dear mother directed his birth to occur on Friday the 13th of August, in 1899.
3. Forgotten American author Horatio Alger, Jr. was born to success on Friday, January 13th, 1832.
4. Butch Cassidy, notorious American outlaw, came out shooting on Friday, April 13, 1866.
5. U.S. President Harry S. Truman elected Friday, February 13, 1885 for his birthday.
6. Poet, author and playwright Samuel Beckett had the good sense to be born on Good Friday, April 13, 1906.
7. Fidel Castro, longtime Cuban el Presidente, popped out (with full beard!) on Friday, August 13, 1926.
8. Actor Bob Crane of TV's "Hogan's Heroes" escaped from the womb on Friday, July 13, 1928.
9. Monkee Peter Tork first rocked out Friday, February 13, 1942.
10. Lucky for us, quirky film star Steve Buscemi was delivered on a Friday the 13th in January of 1961.
11. Actress Julia Louis-Dreyfus slipped out the baby-hatch on Friday, January 13, 1961.
12. On Friday, June 13, 1986, Famous twins Mary-Kate & Ashley Olson were born and a nation was divided: Were they mere "cutie-patooties," or a double shot of the Anitchrist?
13. And finally, prolific teenager-killer and zombie Jason Voorhees would have been born on Friday, June 13, 1946.
14. The print edition of 69 Flavors of Paranoia folded in the midst of Issue 13.
15. The online version of 69 Flavors of Paranoia launched 13 years to the day from 69FoP's first date of publication.
16. The fear of Friday the 13th actually has two scientific names, paraskavedekatriaphobia and friggatriskaidekaphobia.
17. If the first day of the month falls on a Sunday, you've got less than two weeks to prepare for the next Friday the 13th.
18. U.S. president Franklin D. Roosevelt was rumored to be triskaidekaphobic, never travelling on the 13th of any month and terrified of hosting a dinner with thirteen guests. U.S. president Herbert Hover and French emperor Napoleon Bonaparte were both said to suffer from the condition, too.
19. On the other hand, U.S. president Woodrow Wilson counted 13 as his lucky number.
20. Colgate University also considers it a lucky number, as the school was founded by thirteen charter members with thirteen dollars and thirteen prayers. Colgate Day is celebrated every Friday the 13th.
21. On a Friday the 13th in October of 1307, King Philip IV of France ordered the members of Knights Templar to be arrested. Many were tortured into admitting heresy and killed.
22. In Friday, September 13th of 1899, the first person to die in an auto accident in New York City met their unlucky demise.
23. A small Indiana town collared all black cats with bells on Friday, October 13, 1939, and continued to do so for the following three years, because it was so successful in warding off bad luck.
24. Adolf Hitler nearly achieved a terrible victory on Friday, September 13, 1940, when the German Luftwaffe bombed Buckingham Palace with King George VI and future-Queen Elizabeth II in residence.
25. A massive storm swept through Bangladesh on a Friday the 13th in November of 1970. Some 300,000 people were killed in the initial storm, and another million were perished as a result of regional flooding.
26. On Friday, October 13, 1972, Uruguayan Air Force Flight 571 crashed into the remote Andes mountainous of South America, forcing the survivors to resort to cannibalism in their two-and-a-half month ordeal.
27. The "Friday the 13th computer virus" decimated PCs across Brittan in January, 1989.
28. The stock market experienced the "Friday the 13th mini-crash" in October, 1989. It was the second largest plummet in the history of the Dow (at the time).
29. The Uphaar Cinema fire on Friday, June 13th, 1997, in Delhi, India, killed 59 people and injured more than one hundred.
30. Hitting Florida on that special day and date in August of 2004, Hurricane Charley caused $13 billion in damages and took ten lives.
31. "The Friday the 13th Storm" that descended on Buffalo, New York, in October of 2006 claimed 13 lives, caused hundreds of medical emergencies, and cost hundreds of millions in property damages.
32. Though it wasn't an event unlucky enough to kill him, a 13-year-old British boy was struck by lightening on Friday, August 13th, 2010...at 13:13 local time!
33. Near-Earth asteroid 99942 Apophis (a.k.a. 2004 MN4) will pass within 9 million miles of our little planet on Friday, April 13, 2029. There is a slim chance this near miss will alter Apophis into a future impact course with the Earth--on April 13, 2036. (Not a Friday--whew!)
34. There is a legend that Royal Navy ship HMS Friday (sometimes Friday the Thirteenth) was launched on Friday the 13th to dispel myths about the dreaded date, but unfortunately, the vessel soon disappeared. The Royal Navy Museum disputes this tale however, claiming it is an hoax.
35. 1913 was a lucky year for brides. A pastor from New York offered free marriages to couples brave enough to hold their weddings on Friday the 13th.
36. Any computers running the classic Mac operating system are susceptible to the INIT 1984 virus, which infects start-up files, then alters or deletes those files on any Friday the 13th.
37. At most, only 14 months can pass without encountering a Friday the 13th.
38. Every year will have at least one Friday the 13th, and some years have as many as three.
39. For traditional hangings, the prisoner must ascend thirteen steps, where a hangman's noose with thirteen knots awaits them.
40. Reputed author Mark Twain once commented on a dinner party he attended, where he was the unfortunate 13th guest. "It was bad luck," he said later. "They only had food for twelve."
41. The 23rd and last known Grand Master of the Knights Templar, Jacques de Molay, was burned at the stake after retracting his coerced confessions. This happened on Friday, March 13, 1314.
42. Stuntman Sam Patch, "The Yankee Leaper," attempted his last stunt on Friday, November 13, 1829, disappearing into the turbulent water after a 125-foot leap into the Genesee River. His body was found the following spring, still frozen from the harsh winter.
43. Diamond Jim Brady, wealthy businessman known for his massive appetite as well as owning the first automobile in New York City, died Friday, April 13, 1917.
44. The other Ah-nold, Arnold Schoenberg, an Austrian-borne composer, was serenaded out on Friday, July 13th, 1951.
45. Avant-guard filmmaker and Hollywood critic Maya Deren died of a brain hemorrhage, triggered by extreme malnutrition on Friday, October the 13th, 1961.
46. English film actress Martita Hunt must've been an early fan of our li'l 'zine: she died on Friday the 13th at the age of 69 in June of '69.
47. The fat lady sang for noted coloratura soprano of the Metropolitan Opera, Lily Pons, on our favorite day of the year in February of 1976.
48. 38th Vice President of the United States, Hubert H. Humphrey, Jr. lost more than the vote on Friday, January 13, 1978.
49. Musicologist and musician Ralph Kirkpatrick, creator of the Kirkpatrick numbering system, may have found himself strumming a different type of harpsichord on Friday, April 13th, 1984.
50. Pioneering swinger--not that kind, you perv--Benny Goodman becomes the "Dead King of Swing" on the 13th Friday of June, 1986.
51. English pianist Gerald Moore, quite popular as an accompanist in his heyday, struck a sour chord on 13 March, 1987.
52. Rapper Tupac Shakur was shot four times on Saturday, September 7, 1996, though he held on for six days, finally throwing down his last beat on Friday the 13th.
53. Author Gary Jennings typed "The End" to his life story on the 13th Friday of February, 1999.
54. Does anyone need to be reminded there were 13 participants at The Last Supper?
55. The 12 Norse gods had dinner crashed by an evil 13th guest, god Loki. Pandemonium ensued, Baldr was speared, and Ragnarok was that much closer to beginning...
56. Supposedly, patrons in Paris, France can hire a quatorzieme or fourteener, which is a professional 14th guest available for parties with 13 diners.
57. U.S. citizens should (hopefully) know that America was founded with 13 colonies.
58. Though we now have 50, there were only 13 stars on the "Betsy Ross" flag.
59. If you can't count, there are 13 stripes on the U.S. flag.
60. On the obverse side of The Great Seal of the United States, there are 13 steps in the pyramid.
61. Coincidentally, there are 13 letters in "Annuit coeptis" on the obverse side of The Great Seal of the United States (if you count the ligature "œ" as two letters, as it is printed "Annuit cœptis")...
62. ...and 13 letters in "E pluribus unum" (in the eagle's banner) on the reverse side of The Great Seal of the United States.
63. There are also 13 mullets (that's stars to you and me) that hang above the eagle on the reverse side of The Great Seal of the United States, as well as--
64. --13 arrows in the eagle's left talon--
65. --13 olive leaves on the branch in the eagle's talon--
66. --13 olives on the branch in the eagle's talon--
67. --and finally, 13 bars in the shield in front of the eagle.
68. The next created denomination of U.S. paper currency (that is, if Washington can get off its ass and restore the nation's slipping glory) will be the 13th bill.
69. Some scholars argue that much of the symbolism used in the U.S. Great Seal is representative of the United States being the "thirteenth" lost tribe of Israel (Manasseh).